"So no matter what I do from now on with my time,

you will always stay here in my mind. I'm certain of this and I'm not certain of anything."

Today, I woke up and got ready for the day. I took the kids to school and dropped Jess off at work. I went to Wal Mart to get a few things, then to Jobs Plus to find a job. There are signs every where that tell you to turn your phone to silent or vibrate. So I did. I sat down and filled out my information. My phone kept buzzing. I ignored it. I had to be professional.
I got back to my car, pulled out of the parking lot, and opened my phone. There was one text message that I got 6 times. From Libby. "Ricky killed himself this morning."
I knew he'd been fucked up the night before, so I assumed it was a joke. Like "I drank so much last night I think I killed myself."
She called me crying.
It wasn't a joke.
It wasn't a rumor.
It was real life and my world ended.
I pulled over and talked to her, begging her to tell me it wasn't true. "Don't fuck with me like that, it isn't funny."
I drove by his house and there were so many cars in the driveway.
There's never any cars there.
I sat outside and screamed at the windshield and cried on the steering wheel until I couldn't see or breathe.
I called Niki and begged her to tell me it wasn't true. She didn't know.
I went to the school and looked for Ricky. I wanted more than anything for him to come around the corner and smile "Hey Snookums!"
But then I saw Vickie and she was crying and Mr. Dunn had announced it to the whole band.

So this is it. My best friend is dead.

He took too many Ambien, freaked out, and hung himself.
Just like that.

I don't think I've accepted it yet.
Accepting it makes it too real.