Well,

I haven't blogged on here in a while.
Things are changing.
Every time I turn around, something's different.
But I'll be here for a while: heyheybethy.tumblr.com

I'm falling back in love with life.

I just hope it sticks.

Seems like every time I get to be around you, I get happy for a time.
I think I'm being stupid.

"I've found the cure to growing older."

These past few weeks are the most alive and infinite I've ever felt.
And I'm not lying when I say I finally feel okay.
I stopped faking it when I realized it was getting me no where.
I don't want to stop doing what we're doing because I'm scared of how I'll feel.
Winter's coming and you know how I always get when temperatures drop and skies clear.
November spawns a different monster every year.
And I'm trying to keep it inside me this time.
So I'm gonna keep drinking until I forget things.
And I'm gonna keep smoking my breath away.
And I'm gonna keep skipping classes I don't want to go to.
And I'm finally going to live like I've wanted to for so long.


Yes, I'm scared of where I'm going, but I'm even more scared of where I know I'll be if I stop.

Something about what we did

Feels so wrong.
But so right at the same time.
It wasn't what I expected, but I'm not sorry.
And I can't bring myself to regret my decisions.
They were bad, yes.
That I'll admit.
But I wouldn't take it back.

We didn't plan this, but I hope it works out.

Best friend.

I've never felt closer to anyone than I do you right now.
I fucking love you and trust you with my life and so much more.
Don't ever leave me because promise I won't ever leave you.
I love you.

"No, I'm not real. I never was."

Physically and mentally, I've been constantly sick.
Dying with every chance I get.
Losing it.
If you knew half of what I know, you'd lock me up for good.
All promises moot.
You can't begin to sympathize.
Punching pillows, sweating bullets, and fighting back screams.
Skipping sentences because I think you're in my head.
"I can't rhyme.
I can't breathe.
I can't write.
I can't be.
There's terms and conditions to keep me from speaking.
Words and religions to keep me from living."
You think it's funny.
The way none of it's funny.
And the way nothing makes sense.
And you can't get it through you're pretty little head that I'm fucking sick.
And I hate the way you look at me like I'm faking every bit of this.
Like "it's all your fault."
You don't even understand how much it is.

I just wish you could be wrong about one thing.

"You're already the voice inside my head."

I miss you.

The door closed, forever changing her perspective of love. Every touch, kiss, hug, laugh was suddenly meaningless. It didn't make sense. Her head spun and her knees threatened giving up. Hate? Not possible. She raised her fist to knock again, but couldn't do it. Heartbreak on repeat. She moved her left foot back and then her right. A whole step away. Two more. One more step and she'd be out of the light. Out of his life. Is that what he'd said? She couldn't comprehend recent events. It didn't make sense.

"Medication for the kids with no reason to live."

I can't begin to explain my reasoning.
There is none.
Method to my madness? Nope.
You're just not what I want.
But I'm in too deep to turn it around.
I've got to find my way out.
I've never lied about "I love you," more than I am now.
Or maybe I just can't yet.
I can't give love that I don't have.
But you've given me too much to take care of.
I'm trying.
Really, I am.
And that's why I'm still in this.
But everything's too familiar.
You are a cliché.
You're in love with the idea of love. Not me.
I can't see it being serious.
"Denial."
It's a possibility.
I know I can't love you like I loved him.
Not now, not ever.

I don't know what to do.

I've got nothing for you to gain.

I've been trying to talk myself out of "I want to die" and back into "I'm just glad I'm alive."
I can't convince myself none of it's a lie.
Your words are pretty, and laced with sincerity, but I can't believe you mean it.
I don't see that it's possible.
We're on opposite ends of the spectrum.
You want everyone to know,
but I'm not so sure.
This isn't what I expected.
Automatic bliss, like before, maybe.
No more worries,
frowns,
breakdowns.
So maybe this isn't it.
Maybe you're not what I need.
Maybe I need someone to explain it to me.

"I wanna be your happiness."

I don't know what to do anymore. I've spent so long pretending I knew what to do and how to take care of this and myself and how to balance my brain, but this...this is terrifying. I don't know how to tell the ones who need to know because I don't know how they'll handle it. "You're a teenager." Yes. "You're crazy." Quite possibly. I'm tired of hearing it. I'm tired of hiding it and getting frustrated with myself for not being able to control my brain. I want to rein it in and make it behave but it runs rampid and destroys every good thing. I want to feel okay. Not manic or depressed or scared. I want to be normal. I want to function normally with normal people. I want to be able to look you in the eye with out being afraid of you seeing it. I want to do things and not get upset. I want this not to be me. I just want it to all go the fuck away and leave me alone. And sometimes I want to not be alive anymore, but I know that's not an option and I could never.
But mostly, I want you to be able to look at me without seeing some psychopathic maniac behnd a shell of a girl.
Because that's all I see anymore.

I am Jack's restless mind.

"You can't fight the tears that ain't coming."

I've spent the past few nights curled up in the corner, ripping my hair out, and screaming through my fucking teeth trying not to disturb anyone. It's never been this bad. I've never been this downright fucking perplexed at my own brain. I don't know when or why it started again. But it's worse now. I haven't cried because I'm sad. I've cried because I'm pissed off at myself. Nothing makes sense. Nothing fits. Nothing is right. My moods are constantly swinging and I want to stop it but I don't know how. I want everything I had two weeks ago. I want to be happy and not angry all the time. I feel like that mouse standing on the flower pot in the water. If he sleeps, his falls in. He suffers. He has to stay awake to survive. Maybe that's overdramatic, but it's what I mean. Nobody FUCKING understands and I'm sick of being told they do. I'm sick of people trying to tell me how to handle it when they don't know what they're handling. I can't just go to sleep. I can't just be happy. It won't be alright. I don't want your pity or help. I just want to be left the fuck alone. I want to wallow and rip my hair out on my own. I don't want comfort or a pat on the back. It's not FUCKING helping. No one can help me. Of that I am convinced. I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry.


Back to wallowing.

Things have changed for me.

Maturity is necessary for the way we live.
Emotional rollercoasters.
Up and down and down and up and upside down then right side up again.
Parents teetering on the edge of sanity, threatening to take us with them.
Unfinished plans we keep remaking.
And "You're only 16 once." But also "Grow the hell up, kid."
Not sure where we go from here.
How do we decide what to do with what we've spent so much time doing and redoing?
I couldn't stand to walk away from everything I've put so much time, love, and care in.
Maybe I speak for myself only.
Can't leave it behind but it's not really a question.
Mandatory, maybe. But more like a request.
Like "I want you to clean your room."
Responsibility on our shoulders that we can't stand.
That we didn't ask for.
That we don't WANT.
The solution is simple, really, if you think about it.
GET OUTTA TOWN.
Incidentally...we don't know how.


Ps. I don't think it's a question of knowledge, I think it's more to do with gut.



Sorry, this wasn't poetic or pretty. That's something that I seem to have lost touch with. It's just something that's been on my mind lately.

As of late

I have been absolutely and totally unsure of everything except for the fact that I am okay.
I do not want to die.
I do not want to hurt myself or anyone else.
I don't care if I was just a week long fling.
I don't care if you don't like me.
I don't care if I piss you off.
It doesn't bother me that I'm fucking psycho.
Or that I'm not gorgeous.
I'm not happy with the way things are, but I'm content.
It will do until it gets better.
And the best part is that I know it will get better. It always will.
I love my friends,
I love my family,
And I love who I am.
All you need is love, right?
:)

No sleep for the crazies.

I'm positive that I am absolutely insane.There are voices and they talk to me. More frequently than ever before. The always want to kick me off the committee. "What fucking committee?" and then they laugh and drift away. I'm not sure what that means. They don't like me. But sometimes there's a little boy calling for help. He's screaming in French "Je désolé!" I don't know how to help him though and I don't know what he's sorry for. The other ones just laugh at him. This pained, tortured laugh. It isn't funny.
Does this sound far fetched? It's the complete truth. 100%. My mind is turning into a different world and I am stuck in it.
And on top of the schizophrenia, there's the up and downs. I don't know whatwhohowwhyorwhen they started but lately I've been all over the place. Sometimes I love everything and everyone but five minutes later I'm fileting my arms and legs. I gotta take the pills to make my brain behave. It only works a tiny bit.
Then there's the most recent development. Paranoia. I can't sleep because I'm scared of dying. I cant take a shower because I could slip and fall. Everyone I love ignores me and hates me. I'm a mistake and I can't do a thing right. I will never amount to anything. I will be nothing. Nobody.

This isn't a bad case of melodrama. This is my brain laid out and disected for your observance.
Yes, I'm terrified you'll turn on me and lock me up.
But I'm sick of keeping quiet because it's making me sick.
Physically and mentally.

"Should I just get along with myself? I never did get along with anybody else."

They say the average person spends 7 years of their life waiting.
On other people. On themselves. On absolutely nothing.
I'm sure I have beat the norm because I never stop waiting.
For you. For him.
Someone I will never get.
But I keep waiting and waiting.
Like maybe eventually Jesus will feel sorry for me.
Pity party of 1, your table is ready?
Close, but no cigar.
I'm going to waste my life waiting because I refuse to quit.
I want nothing but to be okay.
And if I have to wait forever and the next day, them I'ma pull up a chair.
Don't know when but a day is gonna come.
It's on its way, I swear it.
Don't waste your breath arguing with manics.
There's no point.
You gotta breathe with that shit, kid.
Leave me be.
Let me believe it.
Let me fool myself some more.
I'm sure you think I'm a nut case.
And I'm sure that if they ever knew what I really meant,
They'd lock me up and throw away the key.
Scary? I think so.
I'm not normal.
But finally, it doesn't bother me in the least.
There are voices that no one else hears.
And highs and lows that no one has quite figured out.
But I've got love.
And I am nothing without that love.

Where are my manners? I'm so off topic.
Incidently, I am still waiting for them to lock me up for talking to no one.

Sometimes it's okay to be okay.

I just gotta figure out how, who, and why.
But thanks for sticking around in the mean time.
I love your love and I am thankful.
Maybe I don't say it, but it's true.
And I am thankful to be alive.
And I am thankful you're at my side.
But I'm a hypocrite because honestly,
I really just want to lay down and die.
But I love you, I do.
I do I do I do.
So I can't.
Can't lay down to die.
Not without you.
Not without you at my side, too.

im thinkin of quittin.

cos sometimes living is just too dam hard.
too much work and not enough reward. yknow.
well im sorry in advance.
i know i promised you id stay, but i cant.
now dont get me wrong, youve been good to me.
youre the best ive ever had and im lucky you found me.
dont blame yourself for something you couldnt help.
you tried, but i didnt.
i never really wanted to win.
but i didnt think id quit.
i guess you never really know how low you can get til you hit that rock with your head.
i should focus less on eloquency and more on gettin dead.
i think it will be beautiful.
peaceful.
and quiet.
and i just wont exist.
and i hope you understand why i did it.
and i hope you know how to forgive.
you cant stay mad over necessary action.
ill try and keep in contact.
through a camera lens or broken glass.
please dont worry, its all in the cards.
and i swear to you, god, and the dog that i wont go far.


ps. im not gonna do it. i aint got the guts to leave you.

turned off the lights but couldnt convince my head it was bed time.

back to an involuntary insomnia. and all i want is to be named number one. but it keeps me up at night. keeps me going. less like a reason to live. more like the energizer bunny. cant stop, wont stop. i want to rewind the tape to when you might have cared. hands up shirts and fingers in belt loops. your lips held back my words. eyelashes kissed off everything i wanted to say. truth is im terrified of human contact, but i cant stand to sleep alone. i only wish it were you beside me and not an empty pillow. or someone at all. its like when you havent had water in a weeks and it sprinkles. then stops. its hard to pretend i dont give a fuck. i do more than youd ever guess. everybody cares, everybody understands. except when youre curled up on the tile heaving. no one seems to notice that. the shakes and blank stares. look in the mirror. choke back tears. lie to me and say its gonna be alright. quoteonquote. you keep me alive.

When theres nothing left to live for or no life left at all,

whats keeping you here? I mean, what are you waiting for?
No ones coming around to calm you down.
And theyre bored to death of cheering you up.
And sometimes its hard to pretend you give a fuck.
So you chase the pills with the alcohol and pray to god that no one notices.
And maybe he hears you, but whos to say.
He still a sadist either way.

i will never believe in anything again.

nothing is ever what it seems.
you were another of gods cruel jokes.
and i think somewhere in me, i knew it all along.
truth be told, i wont miss you.
i will miss being happy.
i will miss thinking someone cared.
but i wont miss you.
you were merely another lie i told myself.
a glitch in the system.
reality is never really happy.
no one ever lives happily ever after.
love is not real.
"love is just an excuse to get hurt."
and to hurt someone.
pleasure comes from watching others smile and knowing you can change that with a few words.
i dont want an explenation, because i know what it was for.
i meant nothing. again.
i was something to keep yourself busy with while you waited.
its okay.
i can erase every word with a pill.
i can mend ever scar with a cut.
but i refuse.
i dont want anything like you.
i want better.

last night i saw my world explode.

stupid and naive only begin to describe how ive been acting.
im sorry i didnt listen.
i actually thought it would last.
but im right back at the beginning.
back on the pills and chronic unhappiness.
codependency isnt pretty.
as you may have noticed.
i need to sort things out.
i need something to make sense.
"consistency is key."

12 days.

thats how long ive been okay.
no pills. no tears. no misses.
just smiles. butterflies. and kisses.

i want you to have this too.
i want us to both be simultaneously okay.
id give anything for it.


i love you bestfriend. and thank you for this.

"turn off the lights and turn off the shyness, cause all of our moves make up for the silence."

no i told you so. no let down.
just too shy to be forward around other people. i dont mind too much.
its been far too long since ive fallen asleep in someones arms.
dont think anyones even ever held me like they cared.
save you.
for once, though, i felt safe enough to sleep.
no nightmares. no scary thoughts.
just safe.
im okay for once.
i just hope it lasts.

flipped-turned upside down.

I am getting my hopes up. but at the same time, i expect to get let down.
its okay, though. im starting over.
yknow. out with the old, in with the knew.
maybe this will work.
maybe it wont.
but ill never know if i dont try.
ive spent too long waiting. i have got to make an effort.
im not going to sit around and hate me and life anymore.
im living and loving for the first time in a long time.
just give me a chance.
i promise i wont hate you when you tell me "i told you so."

i cant remember

the last time i stayed up all night because i had someone on my mind that i didnt mind being there.
how can things change so drastically?
im not sure, but im happy they did.
im happy he cares.
im happy i have my best friends.
im happy i have my family.
im happy im finally happy.
i hope this sticks.

here is my heart. hold onto it.

i am happy right now. and optimistic. and i hope this will last.
this year is our year.