Would it break your heart if I stopped existing?

Breathe in too deep and breathe me in.

Breathe for me because I want to stop right now. I want my lungs to drown in the lack of oxygen. And I want to blame it on you and everyone else. I didn't want to you or anyone else to pull that string and send me spiraling. Unraveling.
It's your fault. But you still frown and ask what's the matter.
And I can't answer you.
I can't tell them.
I drown myself in fictional pages and wish to be them. Literally dream of living on the printed pages of a novel.
A mere idea.
Because it's better than this big fucking JOKE of an idea that God had.
Because he created you and everyone else that hurts me. And he hates me. And her. And her too and him.
Hates us an punishes us with you and your equivelants.
I wish that it could be over.
I wish that I could leave you behind and never turn around.
Ever.
I wish that when you asked me what the matter was you'd already know that it was you.
I don't want anyone to tell me they're sorry or apologize for nothing. I want you to tell me you;'re sorry and you mean it.

Because I said I'd leave if you never changed and you haven't changed but I can't leave.


PS. That was all a joke. Not the above. But the thing we've lost sleep over for the past few months. But it somehow seems unimportant.

IAMFALLINGAPART

"Took a walk under Hallelujah Pink clouds
Hands in my trench coat pockets
Keep quiet out loud.
Hide your tears in the rain
Bury your sobs inside the thunder,
it's okay.
The way my lips start to tremble
really makes me wonder.
Did you ever care at all?"

Yes.

Hate to love the one's that don't love you back.

Fuck. I never thought I'd actually go through this shit.
It's like all those things your daddy tells you when you're little. Y'know, "boys are mean." blah blah blah. Are finally coming true. Not finally like "I've waited so long for this" finally like "wow, never thought THAT'D happen."
I should probably listen next time my daddy tells me something.



(p.s. I miss you and you're not even gone yet.)

I've made a list of people I will be missing by senior year,

-Jessica.
-Kasen.
-The new baby.
-Niki.
-Rachie.
-K rith.
-Daddy.
-Someone I haven't met yet.
-Me.

I always wonder if you know what it's like to lay on the floor at 4am, completely numb when you realize that you're losing everyone.

"Every time you look in a mirror you remember you are always one second away from crying or getting it right."

And when I can't sleep at all I think of you. Atleast then I have a reason for not being unconscious at 3AM. Not like anyone's asking. I could fill up a room with apologies and promises that someone didn't mean and no one kept. And all the "I love you's" Were just to shut me up and keep me smiling. Glad we both had the same intentions. I bet you love the way "you" changes. Never the same person in this sentence or the last. I'd drop names, but then I'd probably trip on them too. I'm one mistake away from giving up or being okay. Guess we'll figure it out then. I love you and I love you back can't fix this. If there's something that needs to be fixed. I can't figure things out. Can't put 2 and 2 together without getting 22. Or something else irrational. It's like praying to God, even though you've never ever been answered. It never works, but why not keep trying?
Sometimes just seeing you makes me sick. But not in that "God, I wish you'd go away." way. More like it's unfair that you're happy and I'm not. I have an obsession with sleep and smiles and happy hearts. All of the above have I faked. And then things go a little better and I don't really have to force it. But apparently, "it doesn't matter how you feel, life's just a ferris wheel." Fuck you for writing the truth. You're the reason I'm so scared.

This is terrible.
RIP.

Chapter 13: And When I Lose Myself I Think Of You.

/Aleks' POV.

"They said we could go back and see her." Brendon explained. "But only for a little while. She's not quite all there."
"But she's conscious?" Aleks asked. Brendon nodded.
"She asked for Ryan." Brendon continued. Aleks and Ryan exchaanged a confused glance and Ryan stammered a little bit before saying "Uhm...kay?" And heading towards the back of the hospital.

"Jase?" He whispered as he pushed the heavy wooden door open.
"Ry?" She answered. Her voice was cracked and raspy. Ryan walked quickly to her side, taking her hand and sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Ry, I want to talk to you about the baby." She whispered. His eyeborws wrinkled up in the middle of his forehead.
"What about her?"
"If something heppens to me-"
"Jase, you're gonna be fine." She shook her head.
"Just listen. If something happens to me, I want you and Brendon to take her. Take care of her."
"Jasey, do you really think they're gonna let a gay couple adopt a baby?"
"If I tell them to they fucking better. I want you guys to raise her."
He nodded. "Okay. We will. We'll try our fucking hardest to get her."
"Promise me."
"I promise."
"I love you, Ry. Tell Brendon and Aleks I love them too."
"Jase, they're coming ba- Jase?" The machine to the right of the bed started beeping faster and a nurse rushed in. She pushed Ryan away and busied herself around Jasey. Two more nurses and a tall, gray haired doctor pushed passed him.
"Mr. Ross, I'm gonna have to ask you to step out of the room, please." The doctor commanded. He rushed to Jasey who was now unconscious.
"Is she okay?" Ryan mumbled, not loud enough for anyone to hear him. He backed out of the room and into Brendon. Brendon wrapped his arms around hum and pulled him closer.
"Bren, she's not okay, is she?" He choked.

"I'm the kind of kid who can't let anything go."

Spent last night curled up on the floor.
Tears overflowing in one eye and spilling into the next
again and again.
I let it soak the carpet under me and then I laid in the cold puddle and cried until I puked.

Because even if you don't know what you're doing, it still hurts like hell.
And I still hate you for it.

I want things to get better and stay better.

Chapter 12: Hand Over My Heart, Gun To My Head.

3 months later.

I rolled over to a sleeping Aleks. He'd been sleeping in my room since Spencer died. I couldn't stand to sleep alone. A wave of nausea washed over me and I jumped up and ran for the bathroom.
I felt a hand on my back as I wretched over the toilet. "You alright?" He mumbled, sleepily. I shook my head and he knealt beside me, rubbing small comforting circles into my hoodie.
My head throbbed and a stabbing pain shot through my body, starting at my stomach. I collapsed against the side of the bathtub and everything went black.

Aleks' POV.

My head cleared it's self as soon as she hit the floor. "J-jase!" I managed to choke out. I ran to get my phone, grabbed it off the bedside table, and dialed 911. After about five minutes of studdering and yelling, the ambulance was on their way. I lifted Jasey and brought her to the couch, laying her down just as I heard the sirens. I met them at the door.
They lifted her onto a stretcher, strapped an oxygen mask to her face, and loaded her into the back of the ambulance. Tears met my cheeks as the door slammed closed.
I ran back inside for my keys, found them, and raced out to the car. The truck was already gone. I drove straight to the hospital, calling Ryan and Brendon on the way. They had been out on the date, but I'm sure they didn't mind being interupted for THIS. The closer I got to the hospital the harder it was to breathe. "What if's" and "How come's" filled my brain. I didn't know what was happening or what was going to happen. I parked in the first open parking spot I saw and ran to the Emergency Room doors.

"Jasey Smith?" I shouted out of breath at a nurse behind a cold metal desk.
"Uhm...are you a relative?" She questioned."No, I'm her best friend. Is she okay?"
"We can't release any information to non relatives." She explained.
"She doesn't have any FUCKING relatives," I growled. "Tell me if she's oh-fucking-kay."
I didn't notice Ryan and Brendon come through the sliding doors until a firm hand grabbed my shoulder.
"Aleks, go sit down. I'll take care of it." Brendon whispered. I nodded and followed Ryan over to the pukey green chairs."I'm Brendon Urie, I'm Jasey's brother. Can you tell me if my sister is okay?" Brendon lied.
Ryan and I exchanged a look as the nurse began to answer.
"We can't be sure of anything yet..."

"...where summers lasted longer than, longer than we do."

I can't believe it's almost over.
The sneaking out and the sneaking around.
The smiles and the sweat.
The hugs and the laughs.
And the love.
Walking four miles at one AM just to lay on the gravel and watch the stars with someone else.
Making friendships that won't last forever but I'm okay with just now.
Sleeping in the heat.
Talking to the dead.
Crushes and getting crushed.
Living and learning or maybe we didn't.
Busted lips and blistered skin.
Staying up all night and sleeping all day.
Being a mom and not having a kid.
Living for nights like the ones that won't happen again.
Dancing in the downpours and sleeping in the streets.
Being scared to sleep and scared of the dark.
Loving a heart that doesn't love you back.
Growing up.
Missing every second of it.

Someone somewhere said some things.

"I then decided that if I couldn't even keep the interest of an insignificant, pestilent little...beast boy, then there was absolutely no HOPE for me. I was losing...I felt so alone. Always alone....the cycle had spun on the blackest pits of hell...I decided to stop it where it was. So it wouldn't have another chance to turn.
I thought there was nothing in life that I valued, and I didn't want to feel this BIZARRE pain I'd been experiencing, I mean it was PHYSICAL.
Like something stabbing my heart over and over and over and over and over and over, digging deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper and deeper, turning and twisting inside. I just wanted it to stop....I was on my way. I could have done it. I told my mom I was staying with a friend....I was headed to the cemetery to do the deed- it's dark there, quiet, no one would come around for hours at least...
but i knew i was hurting you. even as i gathered everything i needed, i thought of you and i knew i would never do that to you.
i couldn't ever...
Cos when I say 'I love you', I mean it. :]"

And now I know everything happens for a reason. And we are best friends for a reason.
And I love you for a reason.
I'm not going anywhere and I'll never ever stop loving you. Hand over my heart, gun to my head.
If you go to hell, I'll go with you. Even if there's nothing there.
When you said it'd only hurt for a little while I knew it'd hurt forever cause it'd hurt the whole time you're gone.
And I have a low pain tolerance.

I'm not afraid.

You said hell and heaven aren't real.
And God is only kind of there.
And I believe because you would know.
And you are there.
And you are here.

Earth is just a culd-a-sac in this Universe we call home.
And I don't want to be here any longer than I need to be.
You're scared and alone.
And it shouldn't be that way.
You miss being alive.
And we miss having you by our sides.

I'll tell Jon whatever you want me to tell him. Tabby. Nita. Whoever.
I want you to move on, baby.
Don't stay here.

I love you too, Tana.
<3