God must be a mean and lonely man.

I need Tana more than God does.
Matilda needs Heath more than God does.
Jessica needs MeMe more than God does.
HH needs Casey more than God does.
David and April need Ethan more than God does.

I want him to stop taking people away. It hurts too bad.
He's selfish.
I hate him.

This is my 100th post.

Head on over to www.cantsleepever.blogspot.com

Insane.

The Joker taught me something.

Don't take yourself so damn seriously, no one else does.


I'm going to write a story from the mind of a mad man.
Realistically from my mind, but no one needs to know that.
If they did they'd probably lock me up and throw away the key.

I may start a new blogspot especially for it.

Keep your eyes open.

60---
We're getting closer.

I could bleed my heart out to you, and I don't think you'd care.

Because "every teenager feels like that"

That makes me hate you. You don't FUCKING care.
I won't let this go.

I could waste forever and a day telling you how much it hurts, and you'd shrug it off as normal behavior.
This is not normal.
I am not okay.

I am nothing like you or anyone else.

I don't believe what you believe.
I don't have faith in God.
I don't love everyone.

I do believe things will get better, because the day is darkest before the dawn and no matter what happens, the dawn will come.

That is simply why I haven't ended it yet.
Because for once I'm looking on the bright side.
I'm not taking you so seriously.

I'm loving only the ones who will love me back.
And caring only about the ones who care back.

I'M PUTTING A SMILE ON MY FACE.

I like to deal with your problems.

Truly. I can probably fix them better than my own.

I'd much rather deal with yours than mine.

I want to live in third person.

Like a book character so I can makeup my own story.

60---
I don't get it.

I can't sleep ever.

There's nothing but lightbulbs to keep you company at 3 AM,
when you realize that it ain't getting any better than it is.

Makes me glad I am the way I am.
Because I still say things that aren't sincere,
the kind that you want to hear.
And I'll still turn my back on you if given the chance.
And I want to change, but I really can't.

Like how I only love because it hurts worse when I forget to.

I want to change that and who I am,
and who you want me to be,
and who I should be,
and what I'm going to be.
But I have no idea how
or who
or what.
So I just won't.

"You're gonna figure something out, you always do."

I MEAN THIS

I can't stand to lose someone else.
I'll be here for you no matter what.
Hand over my heart, gun to my head.
I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL BE HERE.

Because remember, sissy. Seasons change...

People don't.

There will always be someone out to hurt you.
And there is always someone that's going to love you.
But you can't let the bad outweigh the good.

God's a sadist. Things will always suck.
You've got to take it in your own hands to make them better.

Things are more than alright if you just let yourself know it.

Keep telling yourself: You are good enough.

It was so easy to let me go down on you, but so hard to say "I love you" back. You absolutely refused.
And I still loved you.
When I couldn't stand to look at you, because you didn't look at me the same.
And when I'd stay awake because your voice drove me insane.
In a good way. I thought.

"Best friends" was defined different in your dictionary.

Guess things aren't always what they seem.
Smiles are just commercial for "I'll love you, but only if you fuck me."
Hugs were just meaningless embraces to pull me closer.
And we were only okay if you wanted us to be.
I've been lying to myself about everything.

And I said I'd never speak a word of it, but I lied.
That was not love and I guess I'm gonna have to live with that.
I can live with that.

Because I'm finding love in everyone but you.
And I'm hopping back on the life wagon and forgetting everything about you.

I have to get over it and open up because not everyone is going to huirt me.
And if they do, then it was a chance I had to take.

He's got more love now than you EVER had.

Chapter 11: Doesn't Matter How You Feel, Life's Just a Ferris Wheel.

Everything in the closet still smelled like him. Every hoodie, every t-shirt, every pair of jeans. I pulled out a black skirt that I hadn't worn in years, and a black sweater and held them to my nose.
"Jase...are you ready?" Brendn asked, pushng the door open and sticking his head through.
"Uh...not really. Hold on." I changed quickly and finished my makeup.
Everyone's eyes were bright red and no one looked particularly amazing. I took front seat next to Brendon. Aleks and Ryan sat quietly in the back. Their canoodling had pretty much been put to a stop. I slapped the power button on the radio and Counting Crows flooded the car.

Step out the front door like a ghost into the fog, where no on notices the contrast of white on white.
Between the moon and you, angels get a better view of the crumbling difference between wrong and right.

I walk in the air between the rain, through myself and back again.
Where? I dunno.

Maria says she's dying. Through the door I hear her crying.
Why? I dunno.

I sang along the entire drive, tears pooling in my eyes and eventually splashing down onto the cotton of my skirt. The blood drained from my face as we pulled into the funeral home parking lot.
"C'mon..." Someone whispered, taking me by the arm and helping me out of the car. It was Aleks. I let him lead me through the double doors and to the front of the room filled with people and pues and a coffin. I just stared at the cherry wood and cried some more. People approached me and attempted their condolances, but I ignored most of them. They weren't sincere. No one was. An old man stood behind the closed coffin and rambled about Spencer's accomplishments and family and friends and he'd be missed and God, but I didn't listen. Nothing was bringing him back. No amount of words or "I miss you"s.
I blocked out everything until we got back home, then I crawled into bed and curled up with a blanket. It smelled like Him too. Brendon laid down beside me and began to sing.

You know I don’t like you
But you want to be my friend
There are bodies on the ceiling
And they are fluttering their wings
It’s ok, I’m angry
But you’ll never understand
When you dream of Michelangelo
They hang above your hands

"We only made out, you never kissed me."

You ruined me.


And I miss you.

Our smiles are commercial for how normal we are.

Stay up with the rising sun and hope it raises my mood. Even though I couldnt care less. Fight over goodbye or see ya later. Even though they usually mean the same thing. Forget to sleep for memories and our sake. Whatever that means. Fall in love with him again. Even though you never really got up from the first time. Apologize even though its too late because goodbye is already gone. Hurt the ones you love. Love the ones you hurt. Give up. Stop giving a fuck. Pretend like you never did. Walk out. Just like them. Im tired of life. Must be tired of something.

Chapter 10: She Said She's Tired of Life. She Must be Tired of Something.

I woke up in a quiet room, the only noise coming from two beeping machines beside me. I opened my eyes and immediately regretted it. The light that flooded my vision was blinding. I groaned a little and sat up. The only other person in the room was Brendon. He was asleep in a chair across the room. He stirred as I reached for the small, pink cup of water on the table beside me.
"You're awake?" He mumbled, wiping the sleep from his eyes. "I should go get the doc-"
" No," I cut him off. "What happened?"
"You passed out in the bathroom. You've been out for almost two whole days." He paused. "We...we made funeral arrangements..." He added, throwing his glance to the floor as a tear raced down his cheek, splashing onto the tile. My eyes teared up and I wiped the salty drops away quickly as a nurse came through the door.

"Mrs. Smith. It's nice to see you awake," She smiled. "How are you feeling." She grabbed a clipboard from the foot of the bed and wrote something down.
"Like shit. Mentally and physically." She adjusted something on one of the monitors. It beeped then went silent.
"Baby seems to be doing fine. And aside from a little bit of nausea, you seem to be doing alright too. Should be able to go home by tomorrow." She pushed a few more buttons on a machine before leaving.
"Where is everyone?" I asked.
"Ryan went to get food. Aleks went home for a few hours to change and get a shower. He's gonna bring you some clothes too."
"Have you left at all?"
"No. I told the doctors I was your brother. They let me stay."
"Sweet." I whispered and leaned back against the bed.

"We're back!" Aleks squeaked as he and Ryan came through the door. Ryan was carrying a McDonald's bag that was radiating a freshly burnt grease smell and Aleks had a blue duffel bag over his shoulder that I assumed contained clothes for me. They both hugged me before Ryan began distributing the food to everyone. We ate in silence, except for the constant beeping beside me, indicating the baby's steady heartbeat.

"This probably isn't the best time to talk about this, but...uhm...we made funeral arrangements," My stomach twisted and I had to work hard to keep my food down. "It's this Friday...at noon." Brendon explained. I sighed.
"I'm not ready for that..."

Chapter 9: There's Not a Pill That Can Keep You From My Mind.

And his back to me, walking out the door, was the last time I ever saw Spencer alive.

A knock came at the door about two hours and 4 phone calls to him later. It was a police officer and he was holding his hat to his chest. I knew immediately that it was either Spencer or Ryan. More than likely Spencer since they showed up at our apartment door.

"Mrs. Smith?" I nodded and my heart sank, nearly to my feet. "I'm sorry to inform you, but your husband was in an accident." Brendon and Aleks were behind me. Brendon grabbed me under my arms as I slinked down onto the tile in font of the door. "He died on the scene."

I couldn't hear anyone or see anything. All I could hear was Spencer laughing and all I could see was earlier that week when he had his head in my lap and was patting my belly. Our baby. A silent tear tread down my cheek as Aleks closed the door and sat down beside me. Brendon had his arms around me and was rocking. We were all crying.
"He can't be dead. Two hours ago...he was fine. No. It's not real." I whimpered into Brendon's shoulder. It was barely audible, but Brendon seemed to have heard.
"It's real, Jase." He whispered. Aleks was rubbing comforting circles into my back. He'd only known Spencer for a few hours, but it was enough to set him crying too.

"Ryan...he...we have to find Ryan." I murmured. Brendon just nodded. I could feel a warm spot forming on my shoulder from Brendon's tears. It was oddly comforting.
A sudden urge to spill my lunch washed over me and I ran to the bathroom, barely making it in time. Brendon held my hair back and cried into a towel. My whole body felt empty. My head spun and I wanted yesterday back more than anything. Spencer was my life. I wanted my life back.

The door slammed and I knew immediately who it was.
"Guys?!" Ryan called. Brendon jumped up and ran for him. A few minutes later, Ryan was sobbing. It made me cry harder. The room began to spin and flashed black, then everything was blurry. Then completely black.