You are what I need.

Like prayers from the mouth of a gay man. I love you. I get an A+ in hipocrisy. I'm going to become a cocaine addict, gives me something to do. It's like candy. Switch my addiction from you to something healthier. Once upon a time there was a little girl. Once upon a time she grew up. I love you, sweetshit. I do I do I do. I can hear the alcohol in your voice. I wish it were in mine. Forget everything I said up there. I'm not sane.

Ink in my pen.

This screen has become my best friend. The only one way conversation I'm willing to hold. The keyboard is the interpreter, changing my thoughts into faultless words. Except none of them make sense to anyone less than desperate. But I'll keep feeding them if you'll keep eating them. To the one who waits up late for my new nothings to show on the monitor. The keys are clicking because of the "You don't have what it takes" and "You've got dreams bigger than you know." I'm writing love songs for the unloved and I've got one special for you. You've got IT and that's all it takes. Keep my fingers moving, keep my pen inked.
"You hate me more than you notice."

Do you get me?

Who am I kidding? I don't even get me. My hopes of things getting better were quickly shot down. It only got worse. I'm not good enough for this. No one's ready for me. I'm scared of myself. Leave me alone. I'm scared of the dark. I'm scared of falling. Fear is only a thing/ I'm scared of being scared. Looks like the end of the road. Let's turn around and go back. I wish we could live life backwards. Think about it. I think people think I'm stronger than I am. They've got me wrong. I'm the weakest person you'll meet. I hate you, you know. I hate how much you care about me when I don't even care about myself. This life never ceases to amaze me. Somehow everything's beautiful and ugly at the same time. A mesh of pretty nasty things. I've got a fistful of problems and I can't unwind my fingers. I'm holding on to "keep holding on". There's nothing there but I'm still standing. I need to sleep.

I only bleed to know I'm still alive.

That's why I do what I do. It also has something to do with control, but we won't go there. I'm okay, I promise. I just need to hurt. I just need to know that I can still feel. I've got a mind that could destroy this world tenfold. But i secretly love you too much. I'm not making it out with a heart or wrist in tact. I'm not as strong as you. I need this. I need to bleed. I need to cry. I don't want to live, but I'm scared to die. Be strong for me. I need you there. Don't give up, you're not pushing me away. I'm pushing me away. Don't be scared. The only thing I can trust is theis razor, anymore. It never fails to do it's job. I've never admitted to being depressed, but I've never admitted to being happy, either. Pain is weakness leaving the body. I am weak. Let's be strong.

Answers we'll never get.

What if everything we've ever been taught was a lie? What if we're supposed to change the world and don't even know it? What if after we die THAT'S IT. There is nothing else? What if we're living to die? What if every trip to the moon and every picture of every planet is just a shot in a studio? What if earth is all there is? What if my black is your white and me night is your day? What if we all think exactly the same? What if we all just didn't wake up one day? Would the ones that don't sleep still be alive? What if there's nothing beyond our sky? What if there IS life on other planets that thinks just like we do? What if earth was supposed to be a joke by somelunatic in another realm? What if we're brainwashed into thinking the way we think? What if robots run the country from under ground? What if one second we snap into another realm and have no recolection of our previous life? What if there is an opposing universe? What if there is no other universe? What if the bible is real? What if it's all one big lie? What if we're all going to hell? What if the world just suddenly exploded? What if right now someone's stepping on an ant that could change our entire future? What if there is no future? What if aliens exist and they're abducting people in area 51? What if there are colors beyond anything we've ever seen or could ever see or create? What if there's someone right now in an entire diffferent realm that's thinking these exact same things? What if every move we make and every word we speak is being monitored by the government? What if one secoond we just all cease to exist? What if I'm over thinking this?

Who would have known that we're just golden plated steel?

"I'm a mean and lonely girl." I almost started slicing at myself again today. I want something I can control. Shrug you off my shoulder, I stopped caring a long time ago. Lieing to myself gets me no where. Apparently I have a self confidence problem because I can't make eye contact. People read you when you look them in the eye. I don't want to be read. Keep your eyes closed tight like windows. This is a storm, after all. Things are only getting worse.

(pre)fix me.

Swallow my words. Blink back tears. My pen's writing down things unseen, undreamed. Pages inked with love songs for the unloved. Undo what's done. Undermind yourself. We're unheard of. Underestimated, overrated. Unable to live despite the existance of our lives. Scratch down more words that you won't understand. Undecided. What's unneeded. This is irrelevant.

"You wear insomnia well."

The rings around my eyes are warnings that say. "Private Property, Do Not Cross."
I'm getting sick again.

"I want to live in hotels so I can be by myself surrounded by other people who are also by themselves."

Thanks for always being on the other side of this monitor. Your life sucks just as bad as mine. That's why you read what I write. We're both typing our lives away, waiting for that day. "Does having a life actually mean you're living?" If you're not living you're dieing. We're hanging on the edge of eternity and three years is too long to wait. I hope I'm not wasting your time, after all I am a bad influence. This isn't who it's usally about. I love you person who's reading this. Best friends forever means 'til death do us part. Not so long as this love shall last. I can't promise that I'll never stab you in the back, because you can't promise me the same. No promise goes unbroken, but we can keep them from completely shattering. I can't wait for the day that we're going to bust this town wide open and leave it in ruins. Here we go, on our own. They're trying to tell us we can't change the world. FUCK THEM. We'll change the fucking UNIVERSE if we really want to. Garage bands in basements and road trips to Chicago, what a life goal.

The most amazing thing just happened.

I was laying in the grass, watching the stars. There was a ring of clouds up there, but the sky above me was clear. I looked up and saw your name written in the stars. Now all I have to do is stare in amazement and wish you were here. It made me think about how much I miss you darling. How much you NEED to be here. I want you to stand under the stars with me, like we used to. But now I'm here watching you up in them. A silent tear started down my cheek as your named ran across my brain. I miss you. My back's wet from the grass, my face is even wetter from the tears.

This isn't what I'd hoped for.

I'm hiding out in my room and pretending you're not here. But you're not leaving. You're talking through the door but all I hear is blah blah blah. Like the Peanuts adults. I'm blocking out your voice, you won't let me hear my own thoughts. Goddamnit, I need to know what I'm thinking. It seems like you can always read my mind. It's bad 'cause I can't read my own. You're trying to stop me from leaving you behind because when I'm gone you'll have nothing. I'm going to change the world weather you like it or not. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to forget about you completely. Stop holding me down, you're just wasting your energy.

"If I die before you I hope they bury you alive with me."

I don't care how bad I need to sleep, it'll never be dark enough. There's a light on upstairs and it's shining through my window. Turn the fucking thing off. None of this will make sense when I wake up. If I wake up. I'm always scared I won't. It wouldn't matter to me, but you might miss me. Think about it. We live by fear, it's what keeps our hearts pumping this poison. Think about that too. We're all scared to die. But there's no reason to be. You just stop living, you don't know anything about it, it'll mean nothing to you. You're just another toe-tag and bag of organs. I'm thinking too hard about this, I get weird looks when I talk sometimes. "You're overanalyzing everything, it's much simpler than you make it." Maybe it is, but I'm not taking that chance. This pen is going to the grave with me. It's the only thing I can put my full faith into. Unless it runs out of ink. I'm writing my life away and could care less. Or more maybe. That light's still on and shining brighter than ever. Maybe if you'd go to sleep I could too. But maybe you're scared just like I am. Scared of going to sleep and never waking up. It's bound to happen one day. Sooner rather than later. It's a legit fear. Everyone has it. "I built a time machine today. It's this box that you sit in. It takes you to the future at a normal speed. You ain't goin' back though."

"I was pretty much born in an abortion clinic."

Truth is, it's not too late to be aborted. I'm guessing you're thinking this is about you, like it usually is. But it's probably not. I'ts probably about someone else that's reading this wondering if I'm talking about them. Or I could be writing about myself. It doesn't matter as long as I get the message across. If you looked up cynical in the dictionary, you'd get a picture of me. Today I went out and bought a pack of cigarettes just because I could. I don't plan on smoking them. Your song's still on the radio and I'm still flipping through the stations. I just gave away who this is about. Saving my strength for the morning after. There's a pill or something for that, like that. There's all kinds of names I could call myself, one's that I've called you and one's that you've called me. "I can't deny that this is mostly my fault." Today is one of "those days" But so was yesterday. and the day before. Forgive me for hating you, I hate myself too.