"I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck
That's taken its place"

spent lastnight lying on the bathroom floor

poisoned half to death and unmoving.
i might die from medication, but i sure killed all the pain.
im not sorry yet. i dont want you to forgive me.
i am a fake. i am a scam. i am the worst thing anyone could put love into.
i just want a moment of happy without the guarantee of immediate sad.
the lights always out when its my time to shine.
"ive opened up so many clams but only found sand inside."
i dont feel sorry for you anymore.
if i dont get a break, neither do you.
no one gets my love if i cant have some back.
im going to stick around.
i will exist without living.
i will try to function normally, but i dont want to interact.
i know what people think. i know what you think.
there is something wrong with me.
maybe youre right.
maybe i should fix it.



givelovethentakeitawaynooneevershares.

i swear tnat im dying

slowly, but its happening.














i know how to fix everything.

Once upon a time...

There was a boy and a girl. Their names were Madalyn and Mikey. They grew up in a tiny town called Sematton in a tiny state called New Jersey. One day in second grade, Madelyn threw a rock at Mikey and he cried. Teacher made Madelyn walk Mikey to the nurses office. She sat with him. They became friends.
Another day, in sixth grade, Madelyns boyfriend dumped her. Mikey was there and he loved her. He held her while she cried.
In ninth grade, Mikey made a new friend. His friend was fun, but mean. He made Mikey sick and got him in trouble. Madelyn didnt care. She loved Mikey.
Two years later, in 11th grade, Madelyn made a big mistake. It got bigger in a few months. Mikeys friend helped Madelyn. He made things beter and more fun.
But Madelyns mistake suffered. Her mistake died before it lived.
Madelyn and Mikey couldnt live without Mikeys friend.
But Mikeys friend didnt want them to live.
He rotted their brains and stomachs and made them crazy. He made everything bad and scary.
Then one day Madelyn and Mikey died.

Merry Christmas, I could care less.

Getting into the Christmas spirit is always fun.
Getting out is even better.
It gets less and less exciting each year and eventually it will blow hard.

I am not excited for anything anymore. Got this new no one really gives a shit outlook on life. Cos no one really does. Realization is key....but Im not sure to what lock.

"Santa cant come til you go to sleep."
We should go to sleep and maybe progress will be made.



We are mandatory players in a pointless game. We are a glitch in the mind of a meaningless man.

Bloody, soapy bathwater.

I feel insane.
Im running low on love. Refill me. Im almost on empty.
Something isnt right in my mind.
Im incapable of functioning as the rest of society.
Ive given up on trying to find you.
I will wait patiently.
I will go crazy(er)
I will play games and tell stories.
Make everything a little more inocent with my puns.
Nothing is the same when you turn around.
Dont look back! Dont look down!
Where was I going?
With this, I mean.
Or maybe just in general. I cant tell.
Im so sorry, but not really.
HEY GUESS WHAT. I SECRETELY HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.












Shes got issues and theyre all the emotional kind.

It's not what it seems in the land of dreams.

Don't worry your head, just go to sleep.

all i want for christmas is you.

ahahahaha.

im another one of gods jokes.

this time my tricky dream was different. i raided someones refrirator of six different kinds of alcohol, then went to school drunk.
i like to sleep because my dreams are better than my reality.
im back on the pills and the blade.
it makes me feel better. im sorry.
i want it to be okay again. i want to fix it.
"im a stitch away from making it, and a scar away from falling apart..."
i am not well.

I hate tricky dreams.

i thought i wasnt alone anymore. he was singing to me. whoever the hell he is. im unsure. but he was there beside me as the world crumbled around us. i want to go back and live there forever. it was okay.


i just want a chance.

im gonna show you how were all alone.

i cant stand this anymore. it hurts so unbelievably bad, but im scared to say anything because i dont want to bring you down. i love you. i love that youre happy.
but its not fair that im the only one who never gets to be happy.
im hated for absolutely no reason. and i do care. i do.
i wish i didnt, but i do.
no one will ever love me, because i cant love myself.
i dont know what to do anymore.
i dont know how to handle it.

Im not the one that you want.

Ill only let you down.

doesnt matter how many people are around, i still feel completely alone. maybe its nomal, maybe its not. i just want someone like everyone else. i want to be loved by someone other than the ones who love me most. i am selfish, i know. im a monster. nonexistant self esteem. liar. unloyal. disrespectful. ugly. name it and ive been named it. i only get i love you when i cry. pitiful. pathetic.
boycott love.
love never wanted me.
i dont do too well on my own.
i will never believe in anything again.
when it all goes to hell...
i used to waste my time dreaming of being alive, now i only waste it dreaming of you.
why put a new address on the same old loneliness, when talkings just a waste of breath and livings just a waste of death.
i get it.

please dont tell me you feel the same way, because i know you dont.

my faith has been restored.

in nothihg but them.
no matter what happens, these boys will always have my heart.

what a match; im half doomed and youre semi sweet.

and im only scared of losing you.

everything is so cliche these days.
put her down or fix her.
but if im gone i wont have you.
doesnt it just make you sick
the way mayhem applies to love
and everything in between.
i dont understand half of what i go through,
let alone what i put you through.
im sorry for the wasted nights, breath, and tears.
but it wasnt it vain.
i dont always mean every word i say,
but i love you is never a lie.
someday well look back and know it was naive but i want the world to end before we do.


dont tell me about true fucking love. ive spat and punched and bled for it. now i want to curl up and sleep inside of it.

im keeping up with the moon on an all night avenue.

you keep my mind alive at night. can we make it all about me this time? the headaches and stomachaches aint got shit on heartache. i dont want you around if this is what it takes. i wake up everyday and sigh because i didnt want to see the sun rise. and ill hate every second that it shines. cant give up because theres still too much time. my clock is ticking down, just not quite fast enough for my taste.


im constantly nauseaus these days.

im other side of the pillow cold (hearted)

you make me want to lay still. cant tell which way is up and which is down when im under water standing on my head. please tell me where to go because ive lost control. point me in the direction of affection; i have none. let me see you undress your mind. let me in. hold me tight. if only you could see me on the most lonely nights. in the bathroom floor with my face in the porcelain. pills only work if theyre in yr stomach. i lost my way at such a young age. no one ever put me back on the street, but i was up all night watching the cars speed away.

"I'm a nervous wreck.

The drugs just make me reset."

I have a secret.

breakdown.

Im not totally sure where things went wrong, but i know at some point they did. nothing is okay. nothing feels right. everyone only says they care because if they dont, someone might get hurt. im not sure of anything anymore. who i am or where i stand. all i know is i want you to be here and you never will. im tired of caring when no one cares back. the li/oving only makes me sick. dont count on me to get tnrough this. the yelling and the suicide attempts and pills and cigarettes are all ill ever know. dont blame it on bad luck if thats all weve got. in sorry for everything. lies and laughs i didnt mean. i cant undo a thing. please help me. i cant remember the words or i could really make this hurt. for a second i imagined someone else was there. it wasnt you. she was a christian and she didnt care. i never want to exist without you by me. this just doesnt feel like home anymore. tell me im not crazy anymore.

Don't make a promise you can't keep.

I didn't want to wake up in the middle of the night and learn that you tried to kill yourself again.
What happened to that double promise we made?
"You'll never lose me as long as I have anything to do with it. I give you my word."
We both said it. Apparently you didn't mean it.
You PROMISED me I'd never lose you. You can't do this.
You can't break a promise like that.
You can't leave me.
I don't want that phone call.
I don't want you to stop existing.
I can't ever breathe if you don't.
I'm so scared of finding out you're dead.
I can't handle it.

"As long as there's one person there who loves me, I can stay alive. Love really is powerful."

You told me that afterwards. I wish you'd think like that all the time.
Love runs deeper than anything. I've seen it. I've slept in the middle of it.
It hurts fucking way worse than anything ever, but it saved you.
Love can save you.

You are more than I bargained for. But I love you.
Please don't leave me alone.
<3

The wind is a monster.

A jealous one. He wants no more than to steal your body heat and run with it. He has none of his own and what he steals is gone in a matter of seconds. Melted into the air. His surrounding pupils that jab and tease him. They tell him he is too thin and loud. Too easy to predict. They tell him he is a deceitful monster. Just like me.


Not sure this made any sense, I just woke up. Almost at school.

Things are changing.

We're growing up and I don't want it.
I want the experiences and fuckups.
The one night stands and wasted nights.
But I don't want to ever forget about the people who make me smile.
...and I know I will.
It scares the shit out of me that I've only got two years left.
Two years to make it or break it.
Two years to do whatever the fuck I need to do.
Two years to fall in and out of love.

We're going to lose more people.
There will be more funerals.
Some of which we may sit in the front row of.

There will be days where we wake up and won't know what we did.
We will cry.
We will freak out.
We will buy pregnancy tests.

Guys will dump us.
We will dump them.
We will cry again and realize that we don't know what love is.

And then we will grow up.
And things will get more tragic.
And things will hurt worse.
And we will cry more.
Our parents will die.
We will get pregnant.
We will have car accidents.
We will fall in love.
And then back out.
We will remember.
And then forget.
We will make life altering decisions.

We will live.
And then we'll die.

Fuck.

Sign your soul on the dotted line just to say you're mine.
But we're both lying about being happy.
So fall in love or fall apart.
Hold hands or hold grudges.
I'm a stitch away from making it...
you know the rest.
Sorry I've been so mean lately.
My mind has been elsewhere.
I hope it comes back soon.
And to be honest, I'll probably never forget.
I know I should.
Give up my biggest regret.
But I won't.
I'll keep building onto my nightmares.
I'll see you there.
I want mistakes worse than the one I made two years ago.

Blades, blood, tears, and guts are all I've got anymore.

"How to Draw a Picture.

Start with a blank surface. It doesn't have to be paper or canvas, but I feel it should be white. We call it white because we need a word, but its true name is nothing. Black is the absence of light, but white is the absence of memory. The color of can't remember."

-Stephen King.