I'm in if you're in.

Regrets and mistakes are what teenagers are made of and sadly, we're loosely held together.

Let's do this shit.

Making plans.

Breaking plans.

Soon enough, I will disappoint you.

My kids will get picked on.

Girls: Kadri Koren, Lacey Jane, Adelae Belle, Karis Paige.
Boys: Jax Avery, Xander Faris, Jasper Sullivan, Eli Zabe.

Not even kidding.

Rest in Peace, Mitch Kertis. <3

I didn't really know you that well, but I'm going to miss seeing you at school.
And I'm sure everyone else will too.
Pep Rally's and football games won't be the same if you're not there.
Monday is going to be hell.

I hate God.

Because of you.

I have only ever cried over two boys.
One didn't know he was hurting me and the other didn't care.
Both of which I would've given my heart to.
One of which I did.
I can't begin to explain how much he ruined me.
Maybe you noticed the way that I can't listen to select songs without breaking down.
Or the way that everything reminds me of him.
I'm sorry that I'm dwelling on this, but it hurts.
And if I never get over it, I can never move on.
I can't let anyone else in.
I can't be what anyone expects.
I can't make it through the day without taking some sort of medication.
I don't care about anything anymore.
I want to fuck things up, solely because I can't see any proof of them getting better.
I want someone to hold me again.
I don't want to be told "It'll happen someday." because I'm not sure it will.
Are you listening?
Do you know what it means to me when you tell me to stop taking the pills?
It'd be like if I told you to stop talking with your hands.
You could do it, but it'd be hard as hell.
It annoys other people, but doesn't really bother you.
It's who you are.
Who you have been.
This is what I am and will be.
I am composed in public and a wreck behind the scenes.
I hold it together long enough to make it home.
I don't feel ashamed and I won't apologize. Not again.
I'm ashamed of my past.
But not of this.
I am shiny new.
More medicated, but held together nontheless.
I have cracks on the surface and big, gaping holes underneath.
I know what you've been through and I know it hurts.
You deal with it differently.
I'm not that strong.
I am a user and a liar and I'm selfish.
But I love you.
There are four people I know I would give my life for and you make the list.
Thank you for sticking out the rounds.

I'm so sorry.

I can feel the drugs in my veins. The consistency of the beating is oddly comforting.
Sorry I fucked everything up.

Elliott Smith's death was ruled a suicide, but her story just doesn't sound right. More like an aggravated attack and accidental homicide.

All anyone ever knows of me anymore is drugged out and unreal. The new me. Version 2.0
I do love you, you know. It's the truest thing I've ever said.

Please don't give up on me.

Time for bed.


Morning eyes meant ony for you wake up to nothing. Close them back. Roll over. Try again later.

I only want back something I never had.

Honestly, I don't want to grow up.
I want to sleep on my sister's couch and sneak out at night.
I want to bum money from my parents and never do homework.
I'm scared of leaving you behind.
I'm scared of being left behind.
I'm in love with everything and everyone at this very moment.
And I wouldn't change a thing.
And yes, I know I've changed.
Who I am is now a twisted, medicated version of who I was.
Disproportionate to the size of the problems.
I don't want to promise you that I won't ever make regrettable mistakes, because I don't like to lie to you.
And I can't tell you I'll get better eventually, because I'm pretty sure I'll only get worse.
But I promise I won't disappear or fall out of your life.
Willingly.
Because when I say I love you, I mean it.
and this is more than just needing a friend.
This is not being able to live without you.

<3

P.s. I'm sorry if I ever disappoint, worry, or stress you out.

There's only a breath between us.

But I love you the same. Please don't ever let any of this go, even when we forget about each other.
Even when we don't know each other anymore.
And there's nothing left but a late night under a black sky.
Don't forget the tears and faced fears.
One day we will be nothing but memories in troubled minds.

Je ne crois pas en amour ou Dieu ou pour toujours.

You're onlu two and you've already got night terrors.

I wish I could make them go away. I'd do anything if I could.

"Something Vague."

Dye the water red. Don't forget to clean up your mess.

I really want to know you're okay, because right now, I am scared that you're not.
I know how it feels to want to die. Believe me, I've been there a few times. But I also know how it feels to not know whether best friend is alive or dead or in between.
And so do you.
Don't do this to me.
I love you.



"Two pills just weren't enough. The alarm clock's going off, but you're not waking up. This isn't happening."

"Comin' outta my cage and I've been doin' just fine."

Truth is, I wish I were you.

Dysfunction.

Pillows and pills piled around your head. Just rest now.
Take them one by one.
At around half past 5, my eyelids start to burn.
And then they close.
This is not a plea for attention, it is a remedy to breathing.
I will not stop or slow down.
I will speed up with my heart.
I'm running out of time, breath, and prescriptions.
There's a secret I won't tell.
There's something you don't know.
If I don't tell, you'll never know.
I wish you didn't have to pretend to understand.
I stopped playing fake when I realized it only made everything worse.
Open up your sleepy eyes. This is a game.
I am winning.
You are not.

A list of songs to listen to when you're alone in the dark:

Free Fallin' - Tom Petty
How's it Gonna Be - Third Eye Blind
A Fond Farewell - Elliot Smith
Sullivan Street - Counting Crows
My Life - The Game
Love Like Winter - AFI
Lua - Bright Eyes
Bother - Stone Sour
All These Things That I've Done - The Killers
Grand Theft Autumn acoustic - Fall Out Boy
Good Riddance - Green Day
Winter - Bayside



I'll probably add more later, but for now...go cry alone in the dark or something.

Honestly.

"Dear Lord, you've done took so many of my people
But I'm just wonderin' why you haven't taken my life
Like what the hell am I doing right?"

I'm scared I'm going to come home and find you dead some day. Please stop, mommy. I need you. I know I act like it doesn't bother me, but it really does. It hurts so bad. I'm so scared of losing you. It makes me sick. You were doing so well. No alcohol, no drugs, nothing. Two years. What happened? Maybe probation was good. Maybe you need to be arrested again. You're not invincible. No matter how much I need you to be, you're just not. I love you too much to let you lose again.

Dysthymic.Insomniatic.Sociopathic.Psychotic.Dysphoric.Manic.

Please, PLEASE, stop calling me crazy.
I'll settle for any of the above, except crazy.

This whole life thing has gone to your head.

It never really mattered.
We could keep up the lie for ever and a day without a mistake and no one would ever know how hard we worked.
And they don't care.
I fill the space that's inbetween insane and insecure.
There's something about this hurt that makes me want to stay.
No amount of blood spilled can make you understand
that what I don't say is what makes the most noise.
It rattles and shakes inside me and breaks things and me.
It will rip apart my heart and lungs and chest.
Just to get to you.
I've held it captive and won't let it out.
Light and food starved for unborn centuries.
So later you can hold onto an unheld piece me.
You crack the jokes but "don't mean" them.
You spit rehearsed lines and hateful words.
I want to hug you goodbye someday.
I don't want to scream at you while you walk away.
Everyone walks away.
And I don't understand quite why.
But everyone walks away...