Halloween is my favorite holiday.

It's truly the only time I ever feel okay about myself. Only two more hours.

"In order to exist, man must rebel."
-Albert Camus

I am the "who" when you call "Who's there?"

Halloween is my favorite time of year. I just wish you were here. We could scream and scare poeple when it gets dark.
I over did it again. 6 this time. I'm waiting for the day when it's just one too many.
Oh, don't worry. I'll take some more in the morning so I won't be too crabby when you see me tomorrow.
They're making me lose weight. Making me think. Making me sleep.
I don't want to be like everyone else. I don't want to have to be medicated to be unconscious.
Maybe I should move into someone elses bed.
We could trade minds, too. But I don't want you stuck with this. And to be honest, I'd hate to have a mind like yours.
Even though it's probably better than mine.
This doesn't make sense, does it?
It's okay if you don't get it, but I'm not spelling it out for you.
I think the only reason you want me to get better is so you don't have to deal with it anymore.
"She's talking about me." Probably. I don't want to fight. I don't want to yell. I don't want to whisper "fuck you" everytime you turn around.
I just want you to GET IT.
No one does.
No one will.
And it's my fault because I won't say anything.
If you're letting me go, let me know so I can find someone else to hold onto. Don't just cut me off.


Got a case of the crazies.
I need to throw up.

Baby, the best ones are crazy.

We mean a lot to the joke. Yes, I do love you.

I'm so sorry, but not really.

Winter's creeping up on us and it's bringing memories with it.
Good and bad and I want them all back. I never thought I'd see this end.
But I think's it's coming sooner than we both expected. I will always love you, remember that.
What will we do when it's over? I don't want to see you walk away like them...
I'm not sure who I am or what I was, I just want to know who I'll become.
I'm scared to tell you the truth.
I'm scared to look you in the eye.
But I do love you, I promise.
I...promise.

On nights like these, I don't sleep at all.

Don't let this go.

We're slipping away and other people are catching us. I'm sorry.

"Let love go.

...it'll rage and then come back to you."


I painted clouds on a wall today and then imagined myself floating on them. I married a figment of my imagination because he's the only one that will ever love me. I wrote a song that I can sing and you'll never ever hear. I figured out that I'm no one and it makes me happy. I cried because the feeling is more natural than dry eyes. I let my body handle itself and my soul flew to France to meet someone else. I hugged my grandma with cancer and it was the most alive I've ever felt. I talked to someone all day about him because it makes me feel better. I forgot that you existed, if even for a minute. I laid down and watched hypothetical animals float over me. I stared at the sun until the tears dried up. I breathed in paint fumes as deep as I could and then laughed them off. I hugged a my heart and soul and he made everything okay. I have fallen back in love with the world, though it may only last a day.
"Thank you for staying steady. For never getting sick at sea."

I'm aware that you don't care, but you ould atleast humor me and pretend to.

Why can't anyone ever love me?

"You'll be free child, once you are dead."

I haven't eaten anything but pills all day and somehow I'm still okay. I tried to drown myself in warm bathwater and it sparked a thought. About how I almost drowned when I was young. I sank to the bottom and didn't come up. No one noticed, no one but another little boy. I heard him scream, but I couldn't move. And then I got pulled up. I wasn't conscious, I remember. Maybe I was, but they couldn't tell. It was then that I realized it would be a long time before I found someone who could care. I don't want all eyes on me, I just want someone to know I'm there. I'm hard to talk to. I take pills. I slip under water. I occasionally try to die. I know you mind, that's why you're not what I'm looking for. I want a glance when I do that, not a panic attack. I want a hand when I fall, not a gurney to wheel me away. The drugs don't bother me at all. You're quiet all the time just like me. We'll let the poets cry themselves to sleep and then we'll be unwell together. My ideas aren't that good, but they'll do until I get better ones. All I want is you to stick.

Let love go.

Wonder where we'll be in 10 years.
Who we'll be with.
What we'll be doing.
I want to make a plan. A goal. A detailed one.
And I want it to come true.
But of cours it'll just be hypothetical.
You in?

I want to kiss you just because I'm sure your lips are poison.

Cut my leg while shaving and just watched the blood pour into the ater. It didn't bother me and it didn't hurt in the slightest. I'm sliding headfirst back into this hole. Just cos it's that time of year. The one when all emotions except bad ones drain from me. Like a cow who's been hung up to bleed dry. The cold brings with it ice hearts and daggers. November spawns a different monster every year. And they always get scarier. Am I making sense? Please tell me I'm making sense.
I wish you were hear.
This has been said...too many times that I'm not sure if it matters.
and
The truth hurts worse than anything I could bring myself to do to you.
Both apply in this situation. Unfortunately.
I can't explain this physical pain.
Feels like I'm falling apart and I only wish you were here to hold me together.

"Anything goes when the pens almost out of ink and the midnight trainwreck fingers hop from key to key"

I'm tired of all the fighting and yelling. All I want is quiet. You here with me. Buttons and typed words aren't good enough right now. Hold my hand, please. Hold me together. I don't know right from wrong from right from left. And I know I don't make sense, but just hang in there. Stick out the rounds and wait for the count. I won't give up on you if you don't. It's not the love that I need, but it's the best kind of love I'll ever have. Unconditional. You changed my life. And so did you. And you too. Can't drop names, sorry. I might trip.
I mean every word of this. Some of it is directed towards different "you's", but I mean it all.
Hold on to every word, because some of them are actually the truth. Like when I say I love you.

"They say the captain goes down with the ship...

So when the world ends will God go down with it?"

New FOB song made me cry.

I seal deals with sleeping pills.

Can't pull it together long enough to apologize and mean it. I just want you here again.
"I'm fine."
Total wreck.
Mind over matter.
Tune you out.
Turn this up.
Washed out with no wehre to go.
I don't want to go to sleep because I won't wake up.
Tell me I'm alright, again.
Tell me you're alright with this.
Who I am hates who I was.
I still look like I did on most nights,
just with more headaches, heartaches, and tears.
And less you.
Nothing to wake up to but blurry eyes and a race to the toilet
to spill my guts.
Then back to the keyboard to do it all over.
You don't love me or you'd care.
And you don't care because you're scared.
I can here the alcohol in her voice and it makes me worry.
And it makes me know that she's human still.
Yeah, I'm really letting myself go.
Your favorite passtime is making me fake-smile.
"Trace my thoughts, please. Color inside the lines and keep me sane."

"Oh, darling, I know what you're going through."

I wish I could make everything better for you, darling. Truly. I do.

P.S.

It's currently 2:14 am and I'm not sure you're alive...

...keeping me hopeless til I wake tomorrow...

If I ever sleep.
I really do wish you were here, sis.
I know you're scared.
You tell me all the time.
It's okay, because I'm scared too...

I'm scared for you and for me.
I don't know what five years holds but I hope there's a fate better than what we expect.
If there's a fate at all.
I hope there is, but I've got this feeling...
...this empty feeling in the pit of my stomach that we're not making it out alive.

Call me crazy, it doesn't bother me anymore. I've heard it enough.
But this is what I believe.

Will you listen to my heart and tell me yours doesn't beat stronger?

I don't sleep.
It's part of not being human anymore.
I hope you don't mind.

How can I decide what's right when you're clouding up my mind?

To be honest, I love you.
It's not who you think it is.
And you probably won't be able to guess.
So don't try.
No one knows.
No one will know.

I see what you are. Who you are.
You're different just like me.
You have secrets just like me.
You want to be loved and no one ever will.
Just like me.
I want to hold you together when you fall apart.

You don't see yourself for all that you are, but I do. I want to show you your reflection in my eyes. I need to know your mind.
I'm getting closer. I am. I swear it.
I see something in you. It might kill me, but I want it to be true.

You're not like anyone else I've ever met.

P.S. I think this is it. I found what I've been looking for...

More pain.

It won't ever go away.
Feels like somethings ripping open my chest and tearing me to little shreds.
Make it stop.