i will never believe in anything again.

nothing is ever what it seems.
you were another of gods cruel jokes.
and i think somewhere in me, i knew it all along.
truth be told, i wont miss you.
i will miss being happy.
i will miss thinking someone cared.
but i wont miss you.
you were merely another lie i told myself.
a glitch in the system.
reality is never really happy.
no one ever lives happily ever after.
love is not real.
"love is just an excuse to get hurt."
and to hurt someone.
pleasure comes from watching others smile and knowing you can change that with a few words.
i dont want an explenation, because i know what it was for.
i meant nothing. again.
i was something to keep yourself busy with while you waited.
its okay.
i can erase every word with a pill.
i can mend ever scar with a cut.
but i refuse.
i dont want anything like you.
i want better.

last night i saw my world explode.

stupid and naive only begin to describe how ive been acting.
im sorry i didnt listen.
i actually thought it would last.
but im right back at the beginning.
back on the pills and chronic unhappiness.
codependency isnt pretty.
as you may have noticed.
i need to sort things out.
i need something to make sense.
"consistency is key."

12 days.

thats how long ive been okay.
no pills. no tears. no misses.
just smiles. butterflies. and kisses.

i want you to have this too.
i want us to both be simultaneously okay.
id give anything for it.


i love you bestfriend. and thank you for this.

"turn off the lights and turn off the shyness, cause all of our moves make up for the silence."

no i told you so. no let down.
just too shy to be forward around other people. i dont mind too much.
its been far too long since ive fallen asleep in someones arms.
dont think anyones even ever held me like they cared.
save you.
for once, though, i felt safe enough to sleep.
no nightmares. no scary thoughts.
just safe.
im okay for once.
i just hope it lasts.

flipped-turned upside down.

I am getting my hopes up. but at the same time, i expect to get let down.
its okay, though. im starting over.
yknow. out with the old, in with the knew.
maybe this will work.
maybe it wont.
but ill never know if i dont try.
ive spent too long waiting. i have got to make an effort.
im not going to sit around and hate me and life anymore.
im living and loving for the first time in a long time.
just give me a chance.
i promise i wont hate you when you tell me "i told you so."

i cant remember

the last time i stayed up all night because i had someone on my mind that i didnt mind being there.
how can things change so drastically?
im not sure, but im happy they did.
im happy he cares.
im happy i have my best friends.
im happy i have my family.
im happy im finally happy.
i hope this sticks.

here is my heart. hold onto it.

i am happy right now. and optimistic. and i hope this will last.
this year is our year.