Sometimes it's okay to be okay.

I just gotta figure out how, who, and why.
But thanks for sticking around in the mean time.
I love your love and I am thankful.
Maybe I don't say it, but it's true.
And I am thankful to be alive.
And I am thankful you're at my side.
But I'm a hypocrite because honestly,
I really just want to lay down and die.
But I love you, I do.
I do I do I do.
So I can't.
Can't lay down to die.
Not without you.
Not without you at my side, too.

im thinkin of quittin.

cos sometimes living is just too dam hard.
too much work and not enough reward. yknow.
well im sorry in advance.
i know i promised you id stay, but i cant.
now dont get me wrong, youve been good to me.
youre the best ive ever had and im lucky you found me.
dont blame yourself for something you couldnt help.
you tried, but i didnt.
i never really wanted to win.
but i didnt think id quit.
i guess you never really know how low you can get til you hit that rock with your head.
i should focus less on eloquency and more on gettin dead.
i think it will be beautiful.
peaceful.
and quiet.
and i just wont exist.
and i hope you understand why i did it.
and i hope you know how to forgive.
you cant stay mad over necessary action.
ill try and keep in contact.
through a camera lens or broken glass.
please dont worry, its all in the cards.
and i swear to you, god, and the dog that i wont go far.


ps. im not gonna do it. i aint got the guts to leave you.

turned off the lights but couldnt convince my head it was bed time.

back to an involuntary insomnia. and all i want is to be named number one. but it keeps me up at night. keeps me going. less like a reason to live. more like the energizer bunny. cant stop, wont stop. i want to rewind the tape to when you might have cared. hands up shirts and fingers in belt loops. your lips held back my words. eyelashes kissed off everything i wanted to say. truth is im terrified of human contact, but i cant stand to sleep alone. i only wish it were you beside me and not an empty pillow. or someone at all. its like when you havent had water in a weeks and it sprinkles. then stops. its hard to pretend i dont give a fuck. i do more than youd ever guess. everybody cares, everybody understands. except when youre curled up on the tile heaving. no one seems to notice that. the shakes and blank stares. look in the mirror. choke back tears. lie to me and say its gonna be alright. quoteonquote. you keep me alive.

When theres nothing left to live for or no life left at all,

whats keeping you here? I mean, what are you waiting for?
No ones coming around to calm you down.
And theyre bored to death of cheering you up.
And sometimes its hard to pretend you give a fuck.
So you chase the pills with the alcohol and pray to god that no one notices.
And maybe he hears you, but whos to say.
He still a sadist either way.