So many times, I thought my world was ending.

I thought I'd lost everything.
I thought I couldn't go on living anymore.
I thought "This is the worst my life will ever be."
I thought I knew what it was to lose someone you loved.
I was positive I knew what it was to be given up on.
I thought I'd experienced heart break.
But none of it compared to my best friend telling me she didn't care anymore and it was my fault.
That's when I saw my world explode.
That's when I gave up.
She was the only one who ever cared, no matter what.
The only one I trusted when they said forever and always.
The only one I could rely on for anything at any time.
And now she's gone, just like everyone else.
I've pushed her away.
A thousand promises, broken.
Everything, meaningless.
All because of these stupid moods.
And these goddamn addictions.
And these fucking illnesses.
And everything I can't control any more.

"Nothing is static. Everything is falling apart."

I can't tell you how many times I've written about change. Good and bad.
But this is different. This isn't just change. This is everyone going in different directions.
We're all becoming who we promised we wouldn't.
Even me.
I don't know if I should try to fix it or just let life evolve.
I mean, this is what happens, right?
We all go our separate ways.
Some of us get boyfriends and fall in love.
Some of us hate our families or everyone.
Some of us move away.
Some of us die.
And some of us get addicted to being a mess.
I never thought there would come a day when you didn't mean the world.
But I've realized that everything changes.
Everyone leaves.
No promise goes unbroken.
We all fall in and out of love.
We all get hurt.
And eventually, we're all forgotten.

When things get weird,

I come here.

I'm kind of getting the whole being too dramatic thing. It isn't worth it anymore.
I just want to love and live and drink in peace. Do you get it?
I miss people.
I wish some of them would change.
And I still love them.
But I'm meeting new people and I like this.
They're brand, shiny new.
I think it's what I need.

I'm looking back,

at the old posts about Jeramy that were exactly a year ago. It's weird how much the same I feel. I thought things had changed, but they haven't. Not really. I think I'm just better at dealing with them. Maybe not even that. I still love him, despite everything he's done. It's true and unjustified and I can't have any of it. But I'll be okay. It isn't so bad.

Incidentally, I hope things clear up, soon. I can't handle seeing you sad like this. It isn't normal. It isn't the you I know.
I promise you, best friend, things will get better. Simply because I can't see them getting any worse. And you're too wonderful for them to stay this bad.
Don't think you're an awful person, because you're not. You're absolutely lovely. You made some mistakes, but you learned from them.
And I swear that I'll always be here. At the other end of the phone, or, if you need me bad enough, at your front door.
It's gonna be okay. <3

Well,

I haven't blogged on here in a while.
Things are changing.
Every time I turn around, something's different.
But I'll be here for a while: heyheybethy.tumblr.com

I'm falling back in love with life.

I just hope it sticks.

Seems like every time I get to be around you, I get happy for a time.
I think I'm being stupid.

"I've found the cure to growing older."

These past few weeks are the most alive and infinite I've ever felt.
And I'm not lying when I say I finally feel okay.
I stopped faking it when I realized it was getting me no where.
I don't want to stop doing what we're doing because I'm scared of how I'll feel.
Winter's coming and you know how I always get when temperatures drop and skies clear.
November spawns a different monster every year.
And I'm trying to keep it inside me this time.
So I'm gonna keep drinking until I forget things.
And I'm gonna keep smoking my breath away.
And I'm gonna keep skipping classes I don't want to go to.
And I'm finally going to live like I've wanted to for so long.


Yes, I'm scared of where I'm going, but I'm even more scared of where I know I'll be if I stop.