Wednesday, May 6, 2009

"I wanna be your happiness."

I don't know what to do anymore. I've spent so long pretending I knew what to do and how to take care of this and myself and how to balance my brain, but this...this is terrifying. I don't know how to tell the ones who need to know because I don't know how they'll handle it. "You're a teenager." Yes. "You're crazy." Quite possibly. I'm tired of hearing it. I'm tired of hiding it and getting frustrated with myself for not being able to control my brain. I want to rein it in and make it behave but it runs rampid and destroys every good thing. I want to feel okay. Not manic or depressed or scared. I want to be normal. I want to function normally with normal people. I want to be able to look you in the eye with out being afraid of you seeing it. I want to do things and not get upset. I want this not to be me. I just want it to all go the fuck away and leave me alone. And sometimes I want to not be alive anymore, but I know that's not an option and I could never.
But mostly, I want you to be able to look at me without seeing some psychopathic maniac behnd a shell of a girl.
Because that's all I see anymore.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I am Jack's restless mind.

"You can't fight the tears that ain't coming."

I've spent the past few nights curled up in the corner, ripping my hair out, and screaming through my fucking teeth trying not to disturb anyone. It's never been this bad. I've never been this downright fucking perplexed at my own brain. I don't know when or why it started again. But it's worse now. I haven't cried because I'm sad. I've cried because I'm pissed off at myself. Nothing makes sense. Nothing fits. Nothing is right. My moods are constantly swinging and I want to stop it but I don't know how. I want everything I had two weeks ago. I want to be happy and not angry all the time. I feel like that mouse standing on the flower pot in the water. If he sleeps, his falls in. He suffers. He has to stay awake to survive. Maybe that's overdramatic, but it's what I mean. Nobody FUCKING understands and I'm sick of being told they do. I'm sick of people trying to tell me how to handle it when they don't know what they're handling. I can't just go to sleep. I can't just be happy. It won't be alright. I don't want your pity or help. I just want to be left the fuck alone. I want to wallow and rip my hair out on my own. I don't want comfort or a pat on the back. It's not FUCKING helping. No one can help me. Of that I am convinced. I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry.


Back to wallowing.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Things have changed for me.

Maturity is necessary for the way we live.
Emotional rollercoasters.
Up and down and down and up and upside down then right side up again.
Parents teetering on the edge of sanity, threatening to take us with them.
Unfinished plans we keep remaking.
And "You're only 16 once." But also "Grow the hell up, kid."
Not sure where we go from here.
How do we decide what to do with what we've spent so much time doing and redoing?
I couldn't stand to walk away from everything I've put so much time, love, and care in.
Maybe I speak for myself only.
Can't leave it behind but it's not really a question.
Mandatory, maybe. But more like a request.
Like "I want you to clean your room."
Responsibility on our shoulders that we can't stand.
That we didn't ask for.
That we don't WANT.
The solution is simple, really, if you think about it.
GET OUTTA TOWN.
Incidentally...we don't know how.


Ps. I don't think it's a question of knowledge, I think it's more to do with gut.



Sorry, this wasn't poetic or pretty. That's something that I seem to have lost touch with. It's just something that's been on my mind lately.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

As of late

I have been absolutely and totally unsure of everything except for the fact that I am okay.
I do not want to die.
I do not want to hurt myself or anyone else.
I don't care if I was just a week long fling.
I don't care if you don't like me.
I don't care if I piss you off.
It doesn't bother me that I'm fucking psycho.
Or that I'm not gorgeous.
I'm not happy with the way things are, but I'm content.
It will do until it gets better.
And the best part is that I know it will get better. It always will.
I love my friends,
I love my family,
And I love who I am.
All you need is love, right?
:)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

No sleep for the crazies.

I'm positive that I am absolutely insane.There are voices and they talk to me. More frequently than ever before. The always want to kick me off the committee. "What fucking committee?" and then they laugh and drift away. I'm not sure what that means. They don't like me. But sometimes there's a little boy calling for help. He's screaming in French "Je désolé!" I don't know how to help him though and I don't know what he's sorry for. The other ones just laugh at him. This pained, tortured laugh. It isn't funny.
Does this sound far fetched? It's the complete truth. 100%. My mind is turning into a different world and I am stuck in it.
And on top of the schizophrenia, there's the up and downs. I don't know whatwhohowwhyorwhen they started but lately I've been all over the place. Sometimes I love everything and everyone but five minutes later I'm fileting my arms and legs. I gotta take the pills to make my brain behave. It only works a tiny bit.
Then there's the most recent development. Paranoia. I can't sleep because I'm scared of dying. I cant take a shower because I could slip and fall. Everyone I love ignores me and hates me. I'm a mistake and I can't do a thing right. I will never amount to anything. I will be nothing. Nobody.

This isn't a bad case of melodrama. This is my brain laid out and disected for your observance.
Yes, I'm terrified you'll turn on me and lock me up.
But I'm sick of keeping quiet because it's making me sick.
Physically and mentally.

Monday, March 2, 2009

"Should I just get along with myself? I never did get along with anybody else."

They say the average person spends 7 years of their life waiting.
On other people. On themselves. On absolutely nothing.
I'm sure I have beat the norm because I never stop waiting.
For you. For him.
Someone I will never get.
But I keep waiting and waiting.
Like maybe eventually Jesus will feel sorry for me.
Pity party of 1, your table is ready?
Close, but no cigar.
I'm going to waste my life waiting because I refuse to quit.
I want nothing but to be okay.
And if I have to wait forever and the next day, them I'ma pull up a chair.
Don't know when but a day is gonna come.
It's on its way, I swear it.
Don't waste your breath arguing with manics.
There's no point.
You gotta breathe with that shit, kid.
Leave me be.
Let me believe it.
Let me fool myself some more.
I'm sure you think I'm a nut case.
And I'm sure that if they ever knew what I really meant,
They'd lock me up and throw away the key.
Scary? I think so.
I'm not normal.
But finally, it doesn't bother me in the least.
There are voices that no one else hears.
And highs and lows that no one has quite figured out.
But I've got love.
And I am nothing without that love.

Where are my manners? I'm so off topic.
Incidently, I am still waiting for them to lock me up for talking to no one.