I'm in if you're in.

Regrets and mistakes are what teenagers are made of and sadly, we're loosely held together.

Let's do this shit.

Making plans.

Breaking plans.

Soon enough, I will disappoint you.

My kids will get picked on.

Girls: Kadri Koren, Lacey Jane, Adelae Belle, Karis Paige.
Boys: Jax Avery, Xander Faris, Jasper Sullivan, Eli Zabe.

Not even kidding.

Rest in Peace, Mitch Kertis. <3

I didn't really know you that well, but I'm going to miss seeing you at school.
And I'm sure everyone else will too.
Pep Rally's and football games won't be the same if you're not there.
Monday is going to be hell.

I hate God.

Because of you.

I have only ever cried over two boys.
One didn't know he was hurting me and the other didn't care.
Both of which I would've given my heart to.
One of which I did.
I can't begin to explain how much he ruined me.
Maybe you noticed the way that I can't listen to select songs without breaking down.
Or the way that everything reminds me of him.
I'm sorry that I'm dwelling on this, but it hurts.
And if I never get over it, I can never move on.
I can't let anyone else in.
I can't be what anyone expects.
I can't make it through the day without taking some sort of medication.
I don't care about anything anymore.
I want to fuck things up, solely because I can't see any proof of them getting better.
I want someone to hold me again.
I don't want to be told "It'll happen someday." because I'm not sure it will.
Are you listening?
Do you know what it means to me when you tell me to stop taking the pills?
It'd be like if I told you to stop talking with your hands.
You could do it, but it'd be hard as hell.
It annoys other people, but doesn't really bother you.
It's who you are.
Who you have been.
This is what I am and will be.
I am composed in public and a wreck behind the scenes.
I hold it together long enough to make it home.
I don't feel ashamed and I won't apologize. Not again.
I'm ashamed of my past.
But not of this.
I am shiny new.
More medicated, but held together nontheless.
I have cracks on the surface and big, gaping holes underneath.
I know what you've been through and I know it hurts.
You deal with it differently.
I'm not that strong.
I am a user and a liar and I'm selfish.
But I love you.
There are four people I know I would give my life for and you make the list.
Thank you for sticking out the rounds.

I'm so sorry.

I can feel the drugs in my veins. The consistency of the beating is oddly comforting.
Sorry I fucked everything up.

Elliott Smith's death was ruled a suicide, but her story just doesn't sound right. More like an aggravated attack and accidental homicide.

All anyone ever knows of me anymore is drugged out and unreal. The new me. Version 2.0
I do love you, you know. It's the truest thing I've ever said.

Please don't give up on me.

Time for bed.


Morning eyes meant ony for you wake up to nothing. Close them back. Roll over. Try again later.

I only want back something I never had.

Honestly, I don't want to grow up.
I want to sleep on my sister's couch and sneak out at night.
I want to bum money from my parents and never do homework.
I'm scared of leaving you behind.
I'm scared of being left behind.
I'm in love with everything and everyone at this very moment.
And I wouldn't change a thing.
And yes, I know I've changed.
Who I am is now a twisted, medicated version of who I was.
Disproportionate to the size of the problems.
I don't want to promise you that I won't ever make regrettable mistakes, because I don't like to lie to you.
And I can't tell you I'll get better eventually, because I'm pretty sure I'll only get worse.
But I promise I won't disappear or fall out of your life.
Willingly.
Because when I say I love you, I mean it.
and this is more than just needing a friend.
This is not being able to live without you.

<3

P.s. I'm sorry if I ever disappoint, worry, or stress you out.