turned off the lights but couldnt convince my head it was bed time.

back to an involuntary insomnia. and all i want is to be named number one. but it keeps me up at night. keeps me going. less like a reason to live. more like the energizer bunny. cant stop, wont stop. i want to rewind the tape to when you might have cared. hands up shirts and fingers in belt loops. your lips held back my words. eyelashes kissed off everything i wanted to say. truth is im terrified of human contact, but i cant stand to sleep alone. i only wish it were you beside me and not an empty pillow. or someone at all. its like when you havent had water in a weeks and it sprinkles. then stops. its hard to pretend i dont give a fuck. i do more than youd ever guess. everybody cares, everybody understands. except when youre curled up on the tile heaving. no one seems to notice that. the shakes and blank stares. look in the mirror. choke back tears. lie to me and say its gonna be alright. quoteonquote. you keep me alive.