Because of you.

I have only ever cried over two boys.
One didn't know he was hurting me and the other didn't care.
Both of which I would've given my heart to.
One of which I did.
I can't begin to explain how much he ruined me.
Maybe you noticed the way that I can't listen to select songs without breaking down.
Or the way that everything reminds me of him.
I'm sorry that I'm dwelling on this, but it hurts.
And if I never get over it, I can never move on.
I can't let anyone else in.
I can't be what anyone expects.
I can't make it through the day without taking some sort of medication.
I don't care about anything anymore.
I want to fuck things up, solely because I can't see any proof of them getting better.
I want someone to hold me again.
I don't want to be told "It'll happen someday." because I'm not sure it will.
Are you listening?
Do you know what it means to me when you tell me to stop taking the pills?
It'd be like if I told you to stop talking with your hands.
You could do it, but it'd be hard as hell.
It annoys other people, but doesn't really bother you.
It's who you are.
Who you have been.
This is what I am and will be.
I am composed in public and a wreck behind the scenes.
I hold it together long enough to make it home.
I don't feel ashamed and I won't apologize. Not again.
I'm ashamed of my past.
But not of this.
I am shiny new.
More medicated, but held together nontheless.
I have cracks on the surface and big, gaping holes underneath.
I know what you've been through and I know it hurts.
You deal with it differently.
I'm not that strong.
I am a user and a liar and I'm selfish.
But I love you.
There are four people I know I would give my life for and you make the list.
Thank you for sticking out the rounds.