Well, it's been a while since I've been on here.

Everything has changed.
I lost the one person I thought I'd always have and I'm pretty sure she doesn't care at all.
I messed us up when I was trying to fix me.
Why does this always happen?

"So no matter what I do from now on with my time,

you will always stay here in my mind. I'm certain of this and I'm not certain of anything."

Today, I woke up and got ready for the day. I took the kids to school and dropped Jess off at work. I went to Wal Mart to get a few things, then to Jobs Plus to find a job. There are signs every where that tell you to turn your phone to silent or vibrate. So I did. I sat down and filled out my information. My phone kept buzzing. I ignored it. I had to be professional.
I got back to my car, pulled out of the parking lot, and opened my phone. There was one text message that I got 6 times. From Libby. "Ricky killed himself this morning."
I knew he'd been fucked up the night before, so I assumed it was a joke. Like "I drank so much last night I think I killed myself."
She called me crying.
It wasn't a joke.
It wasn't a rumor.
It was real life and my world ended.
I pulled over and talked to her, begging her to tell me it wasn't true. "Don't fuck with me like that, it isn't funny."
I drove by his house and there were so many cars in the driveway.
There's never any cars there.
I sat outside and screamed at the windshield and cried on the steering wheel until I couldn't see or breathe.
I called Niki and begged her to tell me it wasn't true. She didn't know.
I went to the school and looked for Ricky. I wanted more than anything for him to come around the corner and smile "Hey Snookums!"
But then I saw Vickie and she was crying and Mr. Dunn had announced it to the whole band.

So this is it. My best friend is dead.

He took too many Ambien, freaked out, and hung himself.
Just like that.

I don't think I've accepted it yet.
Accepting it makes it too real.

So many times, I thought my world was ending.

I thought I'd lost everything.
I thought I couldn't go on living anymore.
I thought "This is the worst my life will ever be."
I thought I knew what it was to lose someone you loved.
I was positive I knew what it was to be given up on.
I thought I'd experienced heart break.
But none of it compared to my best friend telling me she didn't care anymore and it was my fault.
That's when I saw my world explode.
That's when I gave up.
She was the only one who ever cared, no matter what.
The only one I trusted when they said forever and always.
The only one I could rely on for anything at any time.
And now she's gone, just like everyone else.
I've pushed her away.
A thousand promises, broken.
Everything, meaningless.
All because of these stupid moods.
And these goddamn addictions.
And these fucking illnesses.
And everything I can't control any more.

"Nothing is static. Everything is falling apart."

I can't tell you how many times I've written about change. Good and bad.
But this is different. This isn't just change. This is everyone going in different directions.
We're all becoming who we promised we wouldn't.
Even me.
I don't know if I should try to fix it or just let life evolve.
I mean, this is what happens, right?
We all go our separate ways.
Some of us get boyfriends and fall in love.
Some of us hate our families or everyone.
Some of us move away.
Some of us die.
And some of us get addicted to being a mess.
I never thought there would come a day when you didn't mean the world.
But I've realized that everything changes.
Everyone leaves.
No promise goes unbroken.
We all fall in and out of love.
We all get hurt.
And eventually, we're all forgotten.

When things get weird,

I come here.

I'm kind of getting the whole being too dramatic thing. It isn't worth it anymore.
I just want to love and live and drink in peace. Do you get it?
I miss people.
I wish some of them would change.
And I still love them.
But I'm meeting new people and I like this.
They're brand, shiny new.
I think it's what I need.

I'm looking back,

at the old posts about Jeramy that were exactly a year ago. It's weird how much the same I feel. I thought things had changed, but they haven't. Not really. I think I'm just better at dealing with them. Maybe not even that. I still love him, despite everything he's done. It's true and unjustified and I can't have any of it. But I'll be okay. It isn't so bad.

Incidentally, I hope things clear up, soon. I can't handle seeing you sad like this. It isn't normal. It isn't the you I know.
I promise you, best friend, things will get better. Simply because I can't see them getting any worse. And you're too wonderful for them to stay this bad.
Don't think you're an awful person, because you're not. You're absolutely lovely. You made some mistakes, but you learned from them.
And I swear that I'll always be here. At the other end of the phone, or, if you need me bad enough, at your front door.
It's gonna be okay. <3

Well,

I haven't blogged on here in a while.
Things are changing.
Every time I turn around, something's different.
But I'll be here for a while: heyheybethy.tumblr.com